Post by The Centurion on Apr 7, 2008 9:05:22 GMT -5
1. Dan owns your soul.
2. Joe owns Dans soul.
3. It can pretty much be assumed that Joe and Dan are in total agreement about everything.
4. Unless they are arguing about something.
5. Always tell metalheads your band is alternative.
6. Play metalcore breakdowns and explain that alternative bands have been playing breakdowns since 1959 and therefore it doesnt make you metalcore.
7. Always make fun of Patrick's melodic guitar playing.
8. Always tell alternative fans that youre a "freaking heavy metal band"
9. Listen to tons of underground death metal, black metal, and grindcore but never let it show in your actual music.
10. Sign to a record label that supports only death metal, black metal, and grindcore bands.
11. Act like this isnt odd.
12. Only look at the DVD's that James tells you are safe.
13. Tune your guitars to B flat and play nothing but squeeling noises for 40 minutes and tell everyone its your new direction.
14. Kick out all of your band members until you get bored of playing gigs with other dudes, then pull them back in to "write new crap".
15. Never under any circumstances play shows.
16. Plan to play shows but then cancel them at the last minute.
17. Act suprised that people are still into your band after this.
18. Never ever let Tyler show you his growth.
19. If you ever encounter a 50 foot tall Santa Clause statue in some unnamed city in Indiana, get away from it before it comes to life.
20. Never complain about how little you were paid.
21. Always act as if $40 is enough money to get you back to Missouri from California.
22. Only stay in expensive hotels.
23. Never eat apple flavored energy packets with a spoon. Everything will taste like apples for 3 weeks.
24. Wear a bunch of Iron Maiden, Megadeth, and Black Sabbath shirts to your gigs.
25. Smile when everyone is shocked to see you are actually a hardcore band.
26. You eat shards of broken glass for breakfast.
27. All riffs are written so that they can easily be played while having seizures on stage.
28. Play incredibly melodic music with tons of hooks and twinkly guitar parts.
29. Market yourself as a the heaviest most extreme band ever.
30. Dan actually likes it when people drive by and scream "everyone died!".
31. In interviews be sure to cite influences that sound nothing like your band at all.
32. When asked what your band sounds like, tell them "its like getting kicked in the shins"
33. Be sure to thank a bunch of bands you have never played with in your linear notes.
34. Buddy is the only reason your band is heavy.
35. Make sure the bands you cite as influences would probably beat you up if they met you in real life.
36. Send myspace friend requests to people who you know for a fact will hate your band.
37. Always claim you are writing new material.
38. By writing session you mean playing Rampage World Tour for Playstation 2.
39. You are never allowed to use the bathroom in the studio!
40. Stop and use the bathroom at every gas station from St Louis to Allentown PA.
41. Endorse every product name you can think of.
42. Pretend said corporations support your band.
43. When in doubt, a closeup of your vocalists face will make a great album cover!
44. Send your CD's to reviewers who you know will hate your band.
45. Refuse to do interviews and claim you have no opinions.
46. Put all your opinions on your album.
47. Always play your band on your personal radio show.
48. Never let on that its your band.
49. Punch anyone who calls your band metalcore.
50. Silently acknowledge that your band is secretly emo.
51. If somebody says your not emo, let them know they have no idea what emo is.
52. Send everyone to www.fourfa.com
53. Make sure your band sounds nothing like any of the bands described on that site.
54. Never under any circumstances answer myspace messages.
55. For latest news always direct people to your website.
56. Never update your website.
57. Only drink dark beer.
58. If you can see through the glass, it is not dark enough.
59. Always make fun of emo bands.
60. Despite the fact that most of your real influences are emo bands.
61. Deny any similarity to popular bands that sound like you.( IE Underoath? Whos that?)
62. Play at Cornerstone between two metal bands to a predominently metal crowd(For best results see rules 24 and 25).
63. All members of End of Destiny have thier own battle zords that form together to make a giant Patrickzord!
64. Constantly try out new people but never pick any of them and try to get your old bandmates back.
65. Try to get new band mates to live up to impossible standards(IE play the song like you wrote it, but dont change any parts of it).
66. Throwing up is actually awesome.
67. Never under any cirumstances keep the original lyrics for a song, totally change them at the last minute while recording the vocal track.
68. Eat nothing but trail mix the whole time youre on the road.
69. Never get punched in the face by Ryan's dad, it will end your very existence.
70. Always explain your new music as more technical, simple, melodic, and brutal than ever before.
71. When describing your band's sound, make sure to be as vague as possible (IE Its kinda like Pig Destroyer except not as heavy and not grindcore).
72. Make an effort to annoying bump every thread you start on messageboards.
73. Make sure to get banned from every other band's messageboard for "spamming"
74. Add so many myspace friends per day that Myspace threatens to shut down your profile.
75. Never change the songs in your myspace player.
76. Name your band after an obscure modification of a popular video game.
77. Try to make people like you only because your band has keyboards.
78. A 64 oz Pepsi at the beggining of a 20 hour road trip is probably not a good idea( See rule 40)
79. Eat only trail mix during road trips, if not you will hate yourself.
80. Rent a 4 person hotel room and sneak two other guys in after you get the keys.
81. Only let Ryan cook, its like a $40 meal only free.
82. Talk endlessly about how you will release a doom metal album.
83. Never record, write, or release such an album.
84. Energy drinks are your friends.
85. Unless youre Dan and have a nervous disorder that causes you to freak out about everything.
86. It is perfectly acceptable to hold your red bull can in your teeth while urinating.
87. The only good chili on earth is made by James Mattern, all other chili is worthless.
88. John Votaw is the most awesome human being on earth.
89. Tell everyone you enjoy playing for other bands.
90. 4 other bands with 5 members each is a good "crowd".
91. Tell everyone that you are not a preachy band.
92. Get on stage and tell everyone about Jesus.
93. If Dan doesnt do it, Ryan will.
94. Buy the album!
95. Buy the shirt!(even if it doesnt fit you)
96. Moo Cow DIE!
97. Talk about Thrash for 4 hours straight and then fall asleep in the van.
98. Wake up to discover you play in 4 minutes and your band is ticked at you for sleeping through the unloading process.
99. Work at a bank and do very not hardcore things all day every day. (see rule 15)
100. Turn up the TV louder when James stays up until 3 a.m. listening to grindcore.
101. Snicker every time you drive past the sign in Indiana that says "you are entering Tom Raper country".
2. Joe owns Dans soul.
3. It can pretty much be assumed that Joe and Dan are in total agreement about everything.
4. Unless they are arguing about something.
5. Always tell metalheads your band is alternative.
6. Play metalcore breakdowns and explain that alternative bands have been playing breakdowns since 1959 and therefore it doesnt make you metalcore.
7. Always make fun of Patrick's melodic guitar playing.
8. Always tell alternative fans that youre a "freaking heavy metal band"
9. Listen to tons of underground death metal, black metal, and grindcore but never let it show in your actual music.
10. Sign to a record label that supports only death metal, black metal, and grindcore bands.
11. Act like this isnt odd.
12. Only look at the DVD's that James tells you are safe.
13. Tune your guitars to B flat and play nothing but squeeling noises for 40 minutes and tell everyone its your new direction.
14. Kick out all of your band members until you get bored of playing gigs with other dudes, then pull them back in to "write new crap".
15. Never under any circumstances play shows.
16. Plan to play shows but then cancel them at the last minute.
17. Act suprised that people are still into your band after this.
18. Never ever let Tyler show you his growth.
19. If you ever encounter a 50 foot tall Santa Clause statue in some unnamed city in Indiana, get away from it before it comes to life.
20. Never complain about how little you were paid.
21. Always act as if $40 is enough money to get you back to Missouri from California.
22. Only stay in expensive hotels.
23. Never eat apple flavored energy packets with a spoon. Everything will taste like apples for 3 weeks.
24. Wear a bunch of Iron Maiden, Megadeth, and Black Sabbath shirts to your gigs.
25. Smile when everyone is shocked to see you are actually a hardcore band.
26. You eat shards of broken glass for breakfast.
27. All riffs are written so that they can easily be played while having seizures on stage.
28. Play incredibly melodic music with tons of hooks and twinkly guitar parts.
29. Market yourself as a the heaviest most extreme band ever.
30. Dan actually likes it when people drive by and scream "everyone died!".
31. In interviews be sure to cite influences that sound nothing like your band at all.
32. When asked what your band sounds like, tell them "its like getting kicked in the shins"
33. Be sure to thank a bunch of bands you have never played with in your linear notes.
34. Buddy is the only reason your band is heavy.
35. Make sure the bands you cite as influences would probably beat you up if they met you in real life.
36. Send myspace friend requests to people who you know for a fact will hate your band.
37. Always claim you are writing new material.
38. By writing session you mean playing Rampage World Tour for Playstation 2.
39. You are never allowed to use the bathroom in the studio!
40. Stop and use the bathroom at every gas station from St Louis to Allentown PA.
41. Endorse every product name you can think of.
42. Pretend said corporations support your band.
43. When in doubt, a closeup of your vocalists face will make a great album cover!
44. Send your CD's to reviewers who you know will hate your band.
45. Refuse to do interviews and claim you have no opinions.
46. Put all your opinions on your album.
47. Always play your band on your personal radio show.
48. Never let on that its your band.
49. Punch anyone who calls your band metalcore.
50. Silently acknowledge that your band is secretly emo.
51. If somebody says your not emo, let them know they have no idea what emo is.
52. Send everyone to www.fourfa.com
53. Make sure your band sounds nothing like any of the bands described on that site.
54. Never under any circumstances answer myspace messages.
55. For latest news always direct people to your website.
56. Never update your website.
57. Only drink dark beer.
58. If you can see through the glass, it is not dark enough.
59. Always make fun of emo bands.
60. Despite the fact that most of your real influences are emo bands.
61. Deny any similarity to popular bands that sound like you.( IE Underoath? Whos that?)
62. Play at Cornerstone between two metal bands to a predominently metal crowd(For best results see rules 24 and 25).
63. All members of End of Destiny have thier own battle zords that form together to make a giant Patrickzord!
64. Constantly try out new people but never pick any of them and try to get your old bandmates back.
65. Try to get new band mates to live up to impossible standards(IE play the song like you wrote it, but dont change any parts of it).
66. Throwing up is actually awesome.
67. Never under any cirumstances keep the original lyrics for a song, totally change them at the last minute while recording the vocal track.
68. Eat nothing but trail mix the whole time youre on the road.
69. Never get punched in the face by Ryan's dad, it will end your very existence.
70. Always explain your new music as more technical, simple, melodic, and brutal than ever before.
71. When describing your band's sound, make sure to be as vague as possible (IE Its kinda like Pig Destroyer except not as heavy and not grindcore).
72. Make an effort to annoying bump every thread you start on messageboards.
73. Make sure to get banned from every other band's messageboard for "spamming"
74. Add so many myspace friends per day that Myspace threatens to shut down your profile.
75. Never change the songs in your myspace player.
76. Name your band after an obscure modification of a popular video game.
77. Try to make people like you only because your band has keyboards.
78. A 64 oz Pepsi at the beggining of a 20 hour road trip is probably not a good idea( See rule 40)
79. Eat only trail mix during road trips, if not you will hate yourself.
80. Rent a 4 person hotel room and sneak two other guys in after you get the keys.
81. Only let Ryan cook, its like a $40 meal only free.
82. Talk endlessly about how you will release a doom metal album.
83. Never record, write, or release such an album.
84. Energy drinks are your friends.
85. Unless youre Dan and have a nervous disorder that causes you to freak out about everything.
86. It is perfectly acceptable to hold your red bull can in your teeth while urinating.
87. The only good chili on earth is made by James Mattern, all other chili is worthless.
88. John Votaw is the most awesome human being on earth.
89. Tell everyone you enjoy playing for other bands.
90. 4 other bands with 5 members each is a good "crowd".
91. Tell everyone that you are not a preachy band.
92. Get on stage and tell everyone about Jesus.
93. If Dan doesnt do it, Ryan will.
94. Buy the album!
95. Buy the shirt!(even if it doesnt fit you)
96. Moo Cow DIE!
97. Talk about Thrash for 4 hours straight and then fall asleep in the van.
98. Wake up to discover you play in 4 minutes and your band is ticked at you for sleeping through the unloading process.
99. Work at a bank and do very not hardcore things all day every day. (see rule 15)
100. Turn up the TV louder when James stays up until 3 a.m. listening to grindcore.
101. Snicker every time you drive past the sign in Indiana that says "you are entering Tom Raper country".